Sejak saya pulang ke tanah air about 3 weeks ago, antara soalan pertama dan favourite orang ramai ialah, "Dah berisi ke?" dan "Eh, bulatnya! Ke ada isi?" Ya, penuh dengan isi subcutaneous lipid stores di pipi dan lower limbs. Saya pergi sekolah lama melawat cikgu pun, dari jauh ada cikgu lelaki tengok perut saya, bukannya muka saya yang tersenyum awkward. Kadir dah cakap supaya tidak emo dengan orang2 yang takde kerja suka bertanya benda2 camtu, so saya belajar jawab dengan tenang walaupun rasa nak &*%$!%@ je. Kecik hati saya tau - sejak kawen, it seems my status has been reduced to a mere reproduction machine. Kalaulah tanggungjawab semua perempuan itu adalah semata-mata untuk beranak, then why don't people ask orang2 yang belum kawen bila diorang nak ada anak. It's as if tujuan kawen tu hanyalah untuk reproduce dan birth control adalah satu blasphemy yang besar.

Terpaksa saya buat cool dan menjawab, "Takde la, kecik lagi, belajar belum habis" atau "Takde la, gemuk saje2 je ni", kerana for some reason, amatlah pelik seseorang itu berkahwin selama hampir dua tahun dan masih belum ada tanda2 akan ada anak (barangkali orang mula berfikir tentang kemandulan). Bagi saya sendiri pulak, amatlah pelik jika saya ada tanda2 akan ada anak sedangkan saya makan combined oral contraceptive pill (COCP) secara beragama (religiously) tiap2 hari (kecuali pill-free break). Bila saya cakap saya pakai contraception kat a few selected people, macam nak terbeliak bijik mata kerana terkejut dan kehairanan (saya pun tak sure kenapa).

As some of you may know, I am not a fan of pregnancy or childbirth for many reasons (penat la nak list, nanti kena repetitive strain injury). If I could help it, I would never want to go through it. If Islam allowed surrogacy, I would have long opted for that. The only reasons why I might consider the pain and agony are to reduce my risk of certain cancers and also so that when I'm old, frail and ill, ada orang tolong bawak gi hospital. Itupun I would want a Caesarean section under general anaesthesia (ok la, spinal at least!) so that I would feel no pain at all. Bak kata a friend of mine, "Buat apa susah2 and sakit2, nanti derhaka jugak!"

This is a very difficult entry for me to write as it is a very emotional area. But I thought I have to let my opinions through so that people don't bully me into doing things that I don't feel are right for me. And so that people stop praying for things which I do not want. Nanti if and when I do decide to have a child, doakanlah semoga segalanya dipermudahkan. But at the moment, I have no intention to do so, so tak payah la susah2kan diri berdoa untuk benda2 yang orang tak nak.

Ada beberapa orang bertanya, "Kadir tak kesah ke?" No, he doesn't mind. He wouldn't mind adopting if we have to. And most importantly, as he himself says, it's not him who will have to go through 9 months of pregnancy nor the agony of childbirth. I hope that answers all your questions.

Cukup la mak saya sorang asyik suruh saya stop makan COCP and conceive before I get too old. Itu mak saya yang saya tau akan jaga saya sepanjang pregnancy and akan bela anak saya if and when I do have a kid - itupun saya dah pening kepala nak bagi excuses. Kalau orang lain yang bukan nak tolong make my pregnany the most pleasant of experiences, ensure a totally effortless and painless childbirth, and raise my child including providing all expenses, sila jangan sibukkan diri anda dalam urusan yang tiada kaitan dengan anda.

I'm a lady with a lot of aspirations in life and have worked hard to try and achieve my dreams. I have already had to alter/sacrifice a few major ones because of marriage, so I will not let a child ruin anything I have left. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an unhappily married woman. It's just that my definition of happiness is very different to that of some of my peers. I've already done my share of community service by going through 5 years of medical school and will probably be spending my whole working life slaving as a doctor. So I believe I have no more responsibility to produce healthy and useful humans in order to make the world a better place to live in.

So please jangan bertanya atau mendoakan benda yang bukan2 untuk saya. Kalau ada orang yang baca entry ni dan still tak shadap lagi, orang kata memang tak reti bahasa dan memang patut kena sula.

Sekian, terima kasih.